Private message to Effs

[alt_hydra]

I didn't sleep last night.

I'm sorry if I was distant yesterday. I'm not cross at all, but everything feels so surreal.

I've always felt a bit apart from everything, you see. There's the way that I was raised, with Mummy being who she is, and how she is. After what happened in first year, it was even worse. It seemed like I lived in one world, and everyone else was in a different world - I could see them, but they were behind glass. Or perhaps I was the one behind glass.

That's how I felt yesterday, with the feeling stronger than ever. It doesn't make me sad, but it is strange. And I know you've said I'm not the only one who knows, but I'm the only one here who knows, and it feels so lonely. But then I remember that you must feel that too, only far, far stronger, and I scold myself for being selfish.

And now the lie seems so stupid. Who would know the difference? Why would the difference ever matter? It only mattered because they said that it did.

I'm to go riding with Auntie Narcissa in a bit, and I just know that the whole time I'll be thinking, 'oh, how can you be so foolish? How can such things even matter to you, when you're so beautiful and have the best of everything?'

People make no sense to me, you see, so I think the only solution is to do something drastic. Maybe I might join a herd of unicorns and live with them someday. Do you think they'd accept me? Or there's always the centaurs. I should start studying divination, so I can fit in and be useful.

And you, I'd ask you to go with me, but I still think it would be better if you returned to France. Even if I would miss you terribly, at least I would know you were well and safe.

From,
Hydra

Comments

[alt_justin]

Hullo, Dux.

I'm sorry to have cost you sleep. I don't wish you to worry; I know it's a big decision but everyone here has been extraordinarily kind, much more than in France, even, what?

I say, I'm well glad that you don't think it ought to matter. But we should perhaps talk about it more when we're alone, what? So we can plan properly.

The thing is, I know that going back would be the simple thing to do. But one feels one can make a difference here, what, where there is little one could do on the Continent that seems of any consequence. Or at least in comparison to the possibilities here, like Mr Rosier outlined.

Besides, if I stayed, perhaps you shouldn't have to feel so alone all the time, even among your family. Even if that's the only difference I do make, what, it seems like that ought to be worth the sacrifices.

Oh, I say, if you're going to see your Aunt, I wonder if-- Sorry, nevermind that last. I had a thought about your Aunt but perhaps it's not altogether prudent, what?

I'm not sure living among unicorns is an entirely practical solution, however, what? But you're of use to me, anyway, and I can well see how you'd be of use bally well anywhere you like. I think there's loads to be said for someone who's strong but kind, thoughtful, serene and calm. And you are all that, dearest. I suppose you'd have to be, with your mother being, as you said, how she is. You'd come out of it either remarkably stalwart or completely barking, what?

Speaking of which, how bad has it been?

-Justin

[alt_hydra]

It wasn't you who cost me sleep, it was my own mind. I couldn't shut it off, you see.

Well, if things are going to change in France, then you could make a difference there. You could help them see what it's really prepare for the changes that might be coming.

Thank you for making me feel less alone. But I shall really feel alone if anything happens to you. Like, um for instance, if you injure yourself while flying in one of those brisk, unpredictable winds that we get up at Hogwarts.

I don't know if it's prudent or not, since you've scribbled it out, but... perhaps not? Depending on what it is.

I could be of use to unicorns. They probably need help with grooming and whatnot, though that's not much to aspire to, is it? And if I'm calm I suppose it's from years of trying to keep anyone from being able to tell what I'm thinking. And now, it turns out they can't. Funny how that's worked out. But then again, panicking and making a fuss never does much good. It never has for me, at least.

I don't really know, they won't even eat supper together. Which I suppose might mean that it's very bad indeed. I usually eat alone in the kitchen with the elves. At least that means I don't have to pretend to eat meat. Daddy wants to have supper with me tonight, though, so that must mean that he knows Mummy will be working.

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

Yes, I can understand that. If it helps, I couldn't sleep much on the night before we talked, weighing what you might say or how you might react. And it's not selfish at all, what, to continue thinking how it impacts upon yourself--I think that's only human, if you follow me. Especially knowing how your family would feel, what?

But I've no plans to take any sort of dangerous broom flights, I can well assure you! Even if they set me to touring about the countryside as I've been doing and speaking to people on behalf of the Ministry, I shall Floo or take the train, thanks all the same, until I've learned to Apparate. So I don't think you've much to fear on that score, at least.

What I scribbled out was merely a question I thought she might be able to answer but it doesn't matter. I think someone else in my party is working on the solution. No need to trouble someone as important as your Aunt, what?

I well agree that panicking never does anyone much good, no matter what the situation. I suppose there are times when making a fuss might actually help, what, but it's difficult, isn't it, to put one's own needs or desires ahead of others'. I say, one simply has it drummed into one from an early age, not to bother or disturb when there are more important or threatening matters at hand. Though at times it means that the ones who are fussing or fretting are the ones who receive all the sympathy. And that can jolly well become tiresome. And then one does feel selfish for thinking that way, as it's hardly their fault their problems take precedence. Well, as I say, it's only human. I think the key to it is not allowing oneself to dwell there endlessly but to push on, what, and do what one can to be helpful.

I've said already, Dux, I think you'd be well amazing whatever you decide to do. But I'm not sure the unicorns would agree, what? I mean to say, what would a unicorn think of a girl who's been well snogged? Do you imagine that would be all right, or must she be wholly er, well--perhaps I'll just stop there, shall I? Besides, they don't much like boys, what, unicorns, I mean to say, so if you went and lived with them, we might never see each other even if I did stay in England. And that would be jolly well intolerable, as well as defeat the purpose, rather.

I say, I'm sorry they continue to row. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if my father had stayed but then, I realise that it means my parents would likely have quarrelled all the time and made themselves and each other wretchedly unhappy. I've never been certain my mother's not bally well unhappy, either, what, but at least she's not being made to feel worse all the time by having someone about who only makes her cross and upset. Do you think they should ever separate altogether? Perhaps that might be better, if it meant you and Rigel could be with your father and your mother would be free to pursue her career without any constraint on her time, as well.

I say, I hope that's never us. And if it ever is, be sure to hex me into the next month, what, and quite right, too.

-Justin

[alt_hydra]

It was very brave, what you did. Things being what they are. It means a lot to know that you made a decision to trust me.

I've just got back from riding a bit ago. I really enjoy spending time with Auntie Narcissa, but yes, if it's nothing to do with someone she knows or someone she cares about, then it's probably best not to bring her into it. Maybe you should just speak with P Froissart?

Is someone from Beauxbatons fretting or fussing at you? It almost sounds that way, based on what you've written. Is someone having a problem? It's nothing too pressing, I hope.

I hadn't even thought about snogging and unicorns. I thought that the bit about... well, purity was something of a myth. A way to try to keep girls from doing as they please, in a way not much different than, say, a bracelet. I'd know for sure if I was only allowed to take Creatures. Why would a magical beast care about something like that, I wonder? I mean, baby unicorns must come from somewhere, surely?

Mummy and Daddy used to row a lot more than they do now. Now it feels as if they almost lead separate lives, barely acknowledging each other unless it's about me or about Rigel. But no, they would never publicly separate. Image and standing is just too important - in which case they probably ought to get better at pretending, at least, because I can't imagine that they're fooling anyone.

And no, that won't EVER be us. I mean, it can't be, if you see what I mean, and even if we fought, I can't see it going like that.

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

Was it? I didn't think of it as brave so much as only fair.

It's nothing too pressing and yes, I shall get help if we need it. But no, no one's fussing at me, per se, simply...fussing in my vicinity, if you follow me. Truly, it's fine. I suppose I'm merely a bit on edge, I expect it's the end of holidays that's doing it, what.

Perhaps they don't care to fool anyone, what--though then I should think it also wouldn't matter if they separated. After all, you've two homes already (or is it more than two?) and they needn't ever see on another if they didn't wish to do.

Oh, did your ride go well, at any rate? Was Rose happy to see you or put out that you've ignored her?

-Justin

[alt_hydra]

It was brave though, considering.

Are you looking forward to hols being over, then? I am, even if it means I have to throw myself back into Arithmancy. Because we'll both be back at school together.

I suppose they are living separate lives, in some ways, but they still go to parties and events together. They keep up appearances even if they don't fool anyone. Separation and divorce isn't very common in the Protectorate, and even when the couple might be better off, it's still rather frowned upon.

It was a nice ride, but I don't know that Rose and I are truly acquainted with each other yet. It's such a long stretch of time that I don't see her while I'm at school. She's a very good horse, though, and I think if I still have her when I'm older and can ride her several times a week, we might grow more comfortable with each other.

And you know how to ride too, don't you? Maybe we can go together, some day.

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

I am rather looking forward to being back, for just that reason. I say, I think the only reason this was bearable was the fact they kept us so bally well occupied the whole time. But I'm also a bit concerned because it's been well exhausting, all this rushing about the country. It was rather relaxing to do next to nothing yesterday and then today just sitting at a Quidditch match, what? So I don't feel at all prepared to return to lessons.

Yes, I can ride, though I've never owned my own horse. I'd like that, going riding with you.

-Justin

[alt_hydra]

Even during hols, they like to keep us busy, what with YPL and CCF, for those who are in it. I do wonder... if you end up staying, will they let you into YPL, and let you go for CCF, even though people start when they're in fourth year? And will they sort you and everything else?

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

Hm.

Well--yes, on the Sorting, Mr Rosier said they'd Sort me into a House as soon as ever I liked, whenever we decided to make the announcement. He left that part up to me, what, though he said that there might be an advantage to changing allegiance before the end of term. I'm not precisely sure that it's quite so well-advised as he seemed to think--but then of course, he's got his reasons for advising one way or the other, as well.

I hadn't asked about the YPL or CCF. I imagine they'd make some provision, if I showed willing to join. I say, are you planning to test into CCF?

I say, was your supper with your father pleasant?

-Justin

[alt_hydra]

I must say that I don't much imagine you sorted into Slytherin. Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, maybe.

I would like to test into CCF, but I don't know that I'll be allowed. Mummy said something a while back about sending me off to Auntie Narcissa's for the summer, to learn how to host parties and things, I suppose. But I know that everyone else would think that a bit of a daft plan, and probably try to talk her out of it. It's hard to talk her out of something when she's got her mind set, though.

Supper was good. I didn't have to eat the chicken, and there was berries and custard for pudding. Daddy's being extra-nice. I think because of what happened with Mummy at the weekend. But even under the niceness I can tell he's not really in the best of moods.

But Mummy wasn't there, so it could have been much worse.

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

Last time, you were well proud of the fact you remembered I once said I thought I'd be a Hufflepuff.

Perhaps if one day you could visit France, I might take you to a real vegetarian restaurant. I don't think I've seen one here in the Protectorate.

Well, Dux, they've still got us going to the Chelsea Gardens tomorrow and I'm dashed embarrassed to say it but I fell asleep in the middle of the Quidditch this afternoon, I was that tired, what?

So I think I shall turn in. But we've only one day to get through and then we shall be back together. I say, I think that deserves a 'Well done' to us both, don't you?

Well done, Dux.

Sweet dreams,

-Justin