Private message to Effs

[alt_hydra]

Just so you know, I'm not angry or cross about what you told me. I suppose I'm feeling anxious about the fact that you have so many more secrets than I ever imagined.

I've only recently discovered secrets, you see. I was used to never having them at all, because I couldn't have them. But I never had anyone to talk to, either. Not until I... met someone. And I talked to him about how I felt about everything, and it was such a relief to have someone listen. I even came to care for him, in a way, and I thought he cared, too - but it turned out that he was only pretending, and he wanted to use me to help him do awful things.

So I thought I would never find someone to talk to again, not like I could with him. I even missed him a little, even after all that he did. And then I met you, and you were real and you were - well, I thought you were just who you appeared to be.

But now I know that it's far more complicated than that. And I've just realised that your decision to stay makes a lot more sense, in light of what you told me.

I just want to know... you didn't want to get to know me, to get close to me, because of who I am - because of what she did - did you?

And also, are there any other surprises coming? About you, I mean.

Comments

[alt_justin]

Oh, Dux....

I wish I could promise that I've no more surprises along those lines. Sometimes I surprise myself, what? Like the time I snapped and hexed Toubon before he could stop me. I certainly couldn't have warned anyone about that, least of all myself!

But I know that's not what you mean. Does it help to say that you also surprise me? Constantly? You surprise me with your calm, your goodness, your acceptance of others.

I think I know who you're talking about, the one who made you trust him. I bally well hope I'm not like that, Dux, and I hope I should never ask you to do awful things for any reason. If you think something's not right, what, jolly well say so and don't let me convince you otherwise. And there's another way he and I are different, and that's that he never really loved you, Dux. He was just pretending the whole time. The only thing I can bally well say is that I love you enough to stay here to be with you. It's not the only reason, of course, you're right about that. But it's a big one.

You said that I knew everything about you and you feel like you know nothing about me. Sometimes I feel like I hardly know you at all, Dux, when you reveal a new depth of empathy or insight. That's a good surprise, though, and makes me love you all the more.

I fear that the more you learn about me the less you'll like what you see. Perhaps that's why I waited to tell you the rest. Or perhaps I was too focused on protecting him--you know who I mean. Other people have confided in me since I came here and I can't betray their trust in order to lay bare anything you might not know. But since you ask, I'll tell you the one thing you're worried about is not true.

I shan't pretend that somewhere in the beginning, I might have thought it would be useful to know you in order to gain access to your mother. I quickly abandoned that, though, when I came to notice that you and she were nothing alike. I've said before, Dux, and it's still true: I spent a long time trying not to want to know you, trying to tell myself that it was a fantastically bad idea to fall in love with you because of your family. I say, it didn't help much, did it?

But there are two other things related to your question I've not said and the problem is I don't think it's safe to say them in the journals, even in a Private Message. But I'll try, what?

The first is that as you might have already guessed, yes, one of the other reasons I want to stay is to see if I can find him. Help him, if I can.

The second is that if I ever do get the chance, I'll kill her, Dux. But not just because of what she tried to do to him. Also because of what she's done to you.

-J

[alt_hydra]

No, you're not like him at all, but I can't help but think of him, just the same. I'm afraid of being lied to again.

But, in comparison, I can feel that what you say about me, and what you say about caring for me, is true, and with him... well, I only hoped it was true. It sounds like a small difference, but it's much bigger than it sounds.

I can't imagine who these other people you've confided in are... well, maybe I can, but even then I'm not sure. I don't know why you would confide in them before me. I suppose that's another secret that I didn't know about, isn't it.

I don't know what to say about helping him. I suppose that's your choice, and that you do owe a debt him, in some ways. But he also owes you at least a little, is how I see it.

And as to the last... get in line. That's how she'll go someday and she wouldn't have it any other way. But she'll kill an awful lot of other people first before it happens. Please don't be one of them. And don't expect me to join you in that pursuit, either. She's still my Mother

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

I hope I never have to lie to you, Dux, but...well, I suppose I should say that that's not the same thing as there being things I don't tell you. But I shouldn't want to keep something from you that would harm you by not knowing, what? Does that make sense?

I say, it's rather like the difference between a white lie and a thumper, if you follow me.

I've not made it secret that I've made several other friends, though. And I've not made it secret that some of my other friends also knew what I told you back in April, over hols. It stands to reason that they might also entrust confidences to me that I'm not at liberty to share, what? But I hope you'll be able to learn them for yourself, soon enough. I can't say with any certainty when, though.

Why should he owe me? I don't follow.

And no, I don't think you so unnatural as to want anything to do with matricide, what? I only hope you don't hate me for saying I shan't hesitate if I get the chance. But I promise you I know how dangerous a task it would be and I shan't go looking for the opportunity, what?

All my heart,

-Justin

[alt_hydra]

You don't have to explain to me the difference between a lie and withholding the truth, and the usefulness and even necessity of the latter (and maybe even both). But, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a little.

If I can just feel hurt for a while then I'll feel better faster.

He owes you because you would be living a safer and more benign life if it wasn't for him. I know you wouldn't trade it, and neither would I. But even in helping you, he didn't have to tell you who he was as much as he did. But it's over and done with and now there's no going back.

I don't hate you, but I hate that you think you could do that.

From,
Hydra

[alt_justin]

I know. And of course you can do!

And I'm sorry to be the cause of it.

-J