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a place for missing things
Tuesday, 23 June 2015 14:58Some people have written to me to ask about the boy in the diary. I'm sorry, but I don't think I want to talk about him any more than I already have - I gave enough of myself to him all those years ago, and now I'm ready to stop. But I will say that he was - mostly likely - exactly who you think he was.
I didn't have very good judgment about men and boys when I was younger. I was always noticing them, and I thought they were probably all much safer and more reliable than women. And so I wanted their attention and protection very badly. Even as young as seven or eight, any kind man I encountered would be cast in the role of the hero who would take me away and marry me, or adopt me, or something of that kind.
But that changed after what happened with the diary. I realised that kindness can be used as a tool and a weapon, and that hostility can take on many different forms. I didn't become completely mistrustful, but I became much more careful, and probably more lonely. So lonely that I even missed writing in the diary sometimes, even though I knew the whole thing had been a lie.
I was glad when the students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang came to Hogwarts, because they wouldn't know the same things about me that all the other Hogwarts students knew. I hoped it would be an opportunity to make a true friend. And it was.
Everyone knows by now that Justin and I are married. I was going to write about how we met, how we became friends, and how we came to love one another, but for some reason it feels much more personal to share something lovely than something upsetting, like the story behind the diary. Our relationship was a secret for so long, too, that to be open about it now feels peculiar. I get used to it a little more each day, though. To this new life where I can be whatever I want to be.
So what I can tell you as that we came to know each other deeply, and we shared many moments together, both good and bad, just like any other couple. Only I suppose we went through those ups and downs at quite a younger age than most. That's what living in the Protectorate did, though, and not just for me. For many people, it made the simplest of things, like dating and falling in love and having friends, into a trial.
I can't help but wonder how many of you who are reading this are still living like you're in the Protectorate, and why you would do such a thing.
But then, I know, don't I? I missed my diary. I missed the boy inside it. Don't be like me. Don't miss the things that made you small and fearful. I think it's probably normal to be afraid to go without them, but in the end, it will be better. It's the only way to move forward at all.
I didn't have very good judgment about men and boys when I was younger. I was always noticing them, and I thought they were probably all much safer and more reliable than women. And so I wanted their attention and protection very badly. Even as young as seven or eight, any kind man I encountered would be cast in the role of the hero who would take me away and marry me, or adopt me, or something of that kind.
But that changed after what happened with the diary. I realised that kindness can be used as a tool and a weapon, and that hostility can take on many different forms. I didn't become completely mistrustful, but I became much more careful, and probably more lonely. So lonely that I even missed writing in the diary sometimes, even though I knew the whole thing had been a lie.
I was glad when the students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang came to Hogwarts, because they wouldn't know the same things about me that all the other Hogwarts students knew. I hoped it would be an opportunity to make a true friend. And it was.
Everyone knows by now that Justin and I are married. I was going to write about how we met, how we became friends, and how we came to love one another, but for some reason it feels much more personal to share something lovely than something upsetting, like the story behind the diary. Our relationship was a secret for so long, too, that to be open about it now feels peculiar. I get used to it a little more each day, though. To this new life where I can be whatever I want to be.
So what I can tell you as that we came to know each other deeply, and we shared many moments together, both good and bad, just like any other couple. Only I suppose we went through those ups and downs at quite a younger age than most. That's what living in the Protectorate did, though, and not just for me. For many people, it made the simplest of things, like dating and falling in love and having friends, into a trial.
I can't help but wonder how many of you who are reading this are still living like you're in the Protectorate, and why you would do such a thing.
But then, I know, don't I? I missed my diary. I missed the boy inside it. Don't be like me. Don't miss the things that made you small and fearful. I think it's probably normal to be afraid to go without them, but in the end, it will be better. It's the only way to move forward at all.
