a place for missing things

[alt_hydra]

Some people have written to me to ask about the boy in the diary. I'm sorry, but I don't think I want to talk about him any more than I already have - I gave enough of myself to him all those years ago, and now I'm ready to stop. But I will say that he was - mostly likely - exactly who you think he was.

I didn't have very good judgment about men and boys when I was younger. I was always noticing them, and I thought they were probably all much safer and more reliable than women. And so I wanted their attention and protection very badly. Even as young as seven or eight, any kind man I encountered would be cast in the role of the hero who would take me away and marry me, or adopt me, or something of that kind.

But that changed after what happened with the diary. I realised that kindness can be used as a tool and a weapon, and that hostility can take on many different forms. I didn't become completely mistrustful, but I became much more careful, and probably more lonely. So lonely that I even missed writing in the diary sometimes, even though I knew the whole thing had been a lie.

I was glad when the students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang came to Hogwarts, because they wouldn't know the same things about me that all the other Hogwarts students knew. I hoped it would be an opportunity to make a true friend. And it was.

Everyone knows by now that Justin and I are married. I was going to write about how we met, how we became friends, and how we came to love one another, but for some reason it feels much more personal to share something lovely than something upsetting, like the story behind the diary. Our relationship was a secret for so long, too, that to be open about it now feels peculiar. I get used to it a little more each day, though. To this new life where I can be whatever I want to be.

So what I can tell you as that we came to know each other deeply, and we shared many moments together, both good and bad, just like any other couple. Only I suppose we went through those ups and downs at quite a younger age than most. That's what living in the Protectorate did, though, and not just for me. For many people, it made the simplest of things, like dating and falling in love and having friends, into a trial.

I can't help but wonder how many of you who are reading this are still living like you're in the Protectorate, and why you would do such a thing.

But then, I know, don't I? I missed my diary. I missed the boy inside it. Don't be like me. Don't miss the things that made you small and fearful. I think it's probably normal to be afraid to go without them, but in the end, it will be better. It's the only way to move forward at all.

Comments

Order Only: Private message to Hydra

[alt_sally_anne]

How many messages are you getting?

I keep wondering if there's anyone else I ought to write to. Writing to Oliver worked rather well.

Re: Order Only: Private message to Hydra

[alt_hydra]

More than I expected.

But not all of them are nice (that much I did expect).

I don't answer a lot of them because I don't know who wrote them, or they could be from someone Mummy ordered to entrap me. If I do answer, I always try to be careful.

Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

So what do you want to be in this new life you're pursuing?

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

I don't know yet.

Perhaps because I didn't think I'd ever really get to pursue it.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

Not a properly trained Auror, then, it seems.


You still drop your weak elbow when you're thinking of other things. Also still have that blind spot. You think you compensate for it, but it's there.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

Oh. You were only talking about careers.

Is all of that assumption, or actual observation?

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

You were thinking in less practical terms? Or more existential ones?

Assume you don't wish to change status and become a ghost, say, or an inferi. Or a werewolf. What other 'life' might you want to pursue? You want to be the best little housewitch you can be? (Pull the other one.)


Is there really no one fit to train you in that lot?

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

Why does it matter to you? My life, my pursuits - my training.

If I say "best little housewitch," would you be disappointed? I can't imagine it really surpassing the other disappointments I've caused - not that I regret them.

Fit in the way that you are, you mean?

I suppose there's not anyone here who does what you do.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

Hm.

Thought you'd moved beyond the childish relish you took in frustrating your mother, your father. Sidestepping the expectations placed on you.

Is that the best you can do? All you can do? When The Prophet comes to interview you, the answer to the question about ambition shouldn't be 'disappointing others'.


I mean fit to train you to meet your potential, to exceed the targets you set for yourself.

You are making a better job of misdirection, distracting your opponent. Need to keep drilling the stutter step.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

You're not training me anymore, though.

I'm not your protégé. I'm not anyone's.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

Do you really not know that you matter? To whatever comes of all this. In whatever comes of it. If anything is to come of it on your side, you'll need to be better.


And if you're going to make a mountain of the marital molehill, at least consider bigamy or adultery or something vaguely interesting. Keep the French squib-spawn as a pet, but seek out the pleasure that can sharpen your self-awareness and wind you up to the heights of your power.

Order Only: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hermione]

I know just how you feel about sharing things. I keep trying to write something about being muggleborn and--well, it just doesn't translate well. It either sounds whinging or high-handed or over-dramatic.

It just seems easier to leave it and just get on. Only people never will let go of the things they think they know, will they?

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

Of course I know that I need to be better. But why do you

And thank you but you're really not someone who I would take marital advice from.

Re: Order Only: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hydra]

It's an experiment in just being myself in writing, but I don't know... I can still feel that I'm writing in a way that tries to anticipate the reader's impression and counter it.

I told myself I will stop writing these when I don't want to do it anymore. No one is making me, after all.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

Ha.

Mind you, what I'm offering is extramarital advice. Which you should, in fact, take.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

Since when does your training extend to such matters?

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

It's a pity we didn't begin that study.

Expect you would excel with a bit of coaching.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

You don't mean this.

Don't mean

Like I told you before - I know what you're trying to do. It won't work.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

You could explore some of it yourself. In a preliminary way.

Recommend that, actually.

It's a natural extension of the sensory-deprivation/awareness amplification drills. You took to those. Begin with the blindfold, and allow your instincts to lead you from there.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

Blindfolds?

I think you're mistaking me for Daphne.

You want to embarrass me, or perplex me in a way that gives you the advantage. I'm a little disappointed, in a way. It seems like a rather obvious tactic, just one I didn't expect from you (maybe because it is rather obvious).

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

No mistake. On my part.

The mistake is yours if you believe pleasure isn't a tool for honing the senses. It's most useful in calibrating and sharpening awareness.

Embarrassment fades with experience. Gain the latter, you'll find it an advantage. Modesty's a handicap you need to overcome.

Use the blindfold. Tell yourself it's merely a drill at first, if you need to. Dampen and darken the salle if it makes you feel better. And then explore what makes you feel... better.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

And to think you told me that I might have missed my calling as a writer of bodice-rippers.

Here's how this one ends - I shut my book for the night. You tell my mother everything she wants to hear about me and discuss my imminent demise. I expect you'll shut your own book, too, eventually.

So goodnight.

Re: Private Message to H Lestrange

[alt_crouch_jr]

Goodnight, little housewitch.


Perhaps you'll dream of training.