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[alt_hydra]

Have you been able to see Charlie yet? Or were you at least able to write? I hope he's doing all right.

If you want a distraction, maybe we could have tea together soon. With Bea and Adam too, of course. I think I would like that.

I've been wanting to talk about some things lately, I suppose, and with someone other than just Justin.

Plus I've always liked the tea you make.

Comments

[alt_nymphadora]

He's written back, which is something, but he's rather insistent on only seeing Bill, and I'm going out of my skin trying to be patient and not anticipate the absolute worst.

In other words, tea would be absolutely lovely. With Bea and Adam. Yes please. And talking and tea go hand in hand, don't they?

[alt_hydra]

Maybe he just doesn't like to feel helpless in front of you?

There's something I should tell you before we have tea. Mostly because I don't want to be able to see what you think about me when I tell you.

Remember the Unicorn that Draco found in the Forest? He thought Barty did it. Well, that isn't true. It was me.

I haven't really felt quite the same since.

[alt_nymphadora]

Yes, that's probably at the heart of it. That, and his work with the dragons was so physical. I'd imagine there's a lot of uncertainty about whether he'll be able to go back to it eventually, or at all.

Uncertainty is the absolute worst, isn't it?

And as far as the Unicorn goes, I'm glad you told me. I can see why you'd feel different after, too. That's some powerful magic, and not lightly done. And that's piled on top of the actual process of fighting and defeating Barty, which must've just been exhausting on all sorts of levels.

How've you felt, then? Other than bloody tired.

[alt_hydra]

Will any of us be able to go back?

Sorry, that's morbid.

The funny thing is that I can write that and not feel particularly bothered by it. I supposed that's what's changed. It's not as if I don't feel emotions anymore or anything like that, but I do experience them differently. They seem more abstract, or distant somehow. Unless something makes me cross, and then I seem to feel it more keenly.

I think that kind of dark magic - you use it to do awful things, so you're less affected by them as a result.

I still feel as if I'm not quite explaining it right.

And I suppose now I'm thinking about the other consequences that there might be, in the future.

[alt_nymphadora]

I can see how it'd be almost protective to have that be a side-effect of things. Like it makes what you've had to do more bearable.

I wonder if it'll last, or if it'll change with time? My best guess is to the latter.

It's funny, what you were saying, it just reminded me so very much of Alice, actually. She was keeping me company while I was going spare waiting to hear about Charlie, and she was talking about how it was so hard for her to feel truly happy or satisfied about anything these days, and how much quicker she was to anger.

Anyways.

All of this stuff leaves a mark. And perhaps it stays with us for a good long while, and we have to sort out how to manage it as best as we can.

Maybe it's a blessing, not being able to go back. Having to move forward, I mean.

[alt_hydra]

I think it is protective, in a way. It makes it easier to do really powerful, destructive magic. And when there's something that must be done, well - there it is.

I've thought about the baby, though. The one we lost. I didn't - I never really thought about it so much before. Maybe I wasn't letting myself. And now I wonder if I'll ever be able to have one, because of what I've done.

I didn't think I wanted kids. I'm still not sure that I do. But choosing not to seems different than not being able to.

[alt_nymphadora]

That would make quite a difference, yeah.

I can see why you'd be thinking about it, because of that. And about the baby you lost. That's quite a lot of 'what might have been' knocking around.

Maybe that's part of what happens when you survive something you didn't think you would walk away from. And the fact that there's so much else up in the air doesn't help much, either.

I think it's understandable that you'd want to know whether you can or not, regardless of whether you want to right now. And that it'd be sort of terrifying to make it a certain thing, all at the same time, in case it closes off that particular choice absolutely instead of just wondering about it.

[alt_hydra]

I didn't mean to talk about myself so much.

When is a good time for tea?

[alt_nymphadora]

Pish. Takes me out of my own head for a little, which is nice.

Twenty minutes? Sir Adam's good for another hour and change.

[alt_hydra]

All right, that sounds perfect.