Private message to Nymphadora Tonks-Ponds

[alt_hydra]

Hello, Cousin Dora,

Thank you for answering my Owl.

About the first part: Professor Dolohov has made the subject more interesting, I think, but also more demanding. And it's more complex in the sense that he's shown there's more to the Dark Arts than power and brutality, which is what Miss Professor Carrow focused on. But even if he teaches the subject well I'm not sure that I like him.

Remember what I said about how people are starting to notice that Justin matters to me? Well, he's one of the reasons why. He told Daddy about us, and while I'm not in trouble exactly I just know that Daddy doesn't like it one bit.

I'm sorry if I made you feel old by asking you about the other things. I asked you because you're not old. Even if you're married and have a baby, I thought you might better remember what it was like to be my age.

Anyway, your answers gave me a lot to think about. What you said about mistakes not mattering as much as people think, especially. Because, really, how much can they matter? Why do people make the whole subject into such a life or death thing when everyone ends up doing it, eventually? Or almost everyone, anyway. All the talking and discussing and deciding and researching... it won't make something feel right if it doesn't feel right, and it won't make something feel wrong if it doesn't feel wrong. If that makes sense.

I still have more things to think about but this helps, very much.

And I really do hope that I can see you and Bea and Junius over the hols. They're still so far away, aren't they? Can you try to encourage Bea to keep her shelf-rearranging habits going until then? I shouldn't want to miss that!

From,
Hydra

Comments

[alt_nymphadora]

Well. I wouldn't like that either if a professor tattled my private business. There were adults who used to tell Mrs Crouch they'd seen me and set her off on lecturing me. Mostly she wanted me to know I was never going to find a decent wizard to marry me since I was such a sorry case.

And, you see, that worked out better than either of us thought, in the end.

I made loads of mistakes--or that's what Mrs Crouch would have called them--if she'd known, which mostly she didn't. And I did some things that I wished I hadn't the next day, or for a month or two or a year afterwards. But none of those matter at all now. So that's what I mean about mistakes. Most of the things you might do like that don't matter too much later on, but they could leave you feeling embarrassed or make things awkward for a while, so you just have to try to think through what it might cost you to do something you want to do, and then decide whether it's worth it.

There are surely some things you could do that would change your life. Like if you ran off and got married. Or if you had a baby. I don't recommend either of those until you've finished school at least. Because either of those things would mean leaving school early, and you should really not do that. Even if you don't care very much for some of your courses and some of your teachers, you should stay in school.

I don't think you're thinking of that, by the way. It just seemed I ought to say it. See? I am getting old!

So, about Justin, though... you're really feeling serious about him, then. Is he the sort of bloke you can talk to about how you feel and about what you do together? Or is it the sort of relationship where you just do a lot of snogging and really like it a lot, but don't talk about it ever?

You don't have to tell me anything you'd rather not. I just wonder what sort of decision it is you're making--one you're deciding together or one you're deciding on your own.

[alt_hydra]

Mrs Crouch doesn't sound very maternal, but it could always be worse, you know. Do you remember your real

And I like school, even if the teachers don't mind their own business very well. I wouldn't want to leave before I was finished, and even if something happened, like getting pregnant, I don't know if I would have to leave school. It's hard to say. Someone died because of me - maybe even two someones - and they didn't make me leave afterward. Anyway, it's not worth wondering and worrying about because nothing like that will happen if I can help it.

Justin and I talk about everything. I mean, things that I couldn't say to anyone else, ever, and he's told me everything about himself, as well. One time we were trying to converse in French and I was doing a poor job of it (as usual), and he said "I'll have to be in charge of teaching our kids French, what." Sometimes we both say little things like that, like we're thinking of being married and having children one day, but then I think we also expect that my parents will probably try to put a stop to all this, eventually. Neither of us are quite ready to talk about what we'll do if that ever happens.

But yes, we talk about snogging and things, too. I suppose I'm the one who makes the decisions, when it comes down to it.

From,
Hydra

[alt_nymphadora]

You're right. It could have been worse. But at the time it seemed bad enough, I suppose.

I see why you'd like to keep everything about Justin secret from your mother and father. Do you think they both know now? Or just your father? Is it as bad having him know as it would be having your mother find out?

I never had a boyfriend that was as serious about me as Justin seems to be about you. It's really nice that you can talk like that. Really, Junius was the first person I was able to talk about most everything with. Before that, I really only trusted a few girlfriends, and not with everything. I guess I just kept myself private mostly.

I'm glad you're able to make the decisions. Do you mean that if you don't both agree, you wouldn't expect the one who didn't want to do something to go ahead with it? What do you think should matter about those decisions? I mean, are you thinking about when and where? Or whether?

[alt_hydra]

Well if she was much like her son, I can't see her being the sort of Mother a person would want. Especially if you were used to my Aunt - to your real Mother, I mean.

Mummy knew about Justin long before Daddy did. She doesn't mind it, though she thinks of it more as practise leading up to the day that Harry Marvolo somehow notices me. I think if, in a few years, say, I said that I didn't want to marry Harry and I wanted to marry Justin instead, she would start to mind a lot more.

Daddy just doesn't want me to be involved with any boys at all. But if it were Harry, he wouldn't be able to fuss about it.

I keep to myself, too. The only person before Justin that I was able to talk to ended up not being who I thought he was, and he betrayed me, besides. I'm surprised I was even able to trust someone again.

Yes, when I said I make the decisions, I suppose I mean that I set the pace? But we both want to agree on what's happening, of course. And when if we ever have sex, I don't think I want it to be at school. At least not for the first time. I know that much, at least.

From,
Hydra

[alt_nymphadora]

I was nine when my mum died. And I was sent to live with the Crouches. I was the very first person sent into fostering, did you know? I don't know what that's like for kids now, but at first it was especially odd. No one quite knew what to make of me. Except they all knew I was the daughter of famous traitors. And halfblood.

None of that helped make me a success with Mrs Crouch. Or anyone else, for that matter. Especially Farty.

Sorry. I probably shouldn't tell you what I call him! Do you know him at all? He's as awful as you think. Worse, probably.

As for your mother, it's lucky she's taking the long view. I can't imagine it would be nice to fight her over what you want. I hope it doesn't come to that. At least you've got time to figure out a plan. And to figure out what you really want. Because that could change. I'm not saying it will, but... people do change over time. Some of them.

Your father's a different story. He's just being a good father. I mean, I realise he's got a few more spells and tools in his power than some fathers, but he's not really so different from the rest of them. Junius says he plans to keep Bea locked up in her room away from all the boys until she's thirty. I've no idea what he thinks he can do about her when she goes off to school, but you see what I mean.

I think you're being careful. It's all right to keep private and only trust people who really earn your respect. I'm sure it is hard to trust at all after you've felt betrayed. I can tell you're being careful, too, about what you do with your heart. And with the rest of yourself. I trust you to make a good decision about what to do. I think you're ready to decide and keep on deciding what's right for yourself with Justin and with anyone else you might have to decide about.

I didn't actually think ahead about my first time ever. It's nice that you have someone special to plan with. And since you do, I think it's a good idea to try to plan so it can be a really nice memory.

[alt_hydra]

When I came to Hogwarts all people really knew about me was that I was the daughter of a famous someone, too. It's odd to think that so many different types of people can all come from the same family, isn't it?

I hadn't heard you were the first in fostering, no. This is actually the first time I've thought about how the practice is rather new, in the scheme of things. Justin's in fostering with the Jugsons (who I'm related to on Daddy's side), but his situation is a bit different since he's not actually a Halfblood. I think it would be hard to be little and have to live away from your family - for most people anyway. Justin might not see his Mother again, and I know that's hard for him.

And Auror Crouch - I have to see him all the time. He's one of the few colleagues that Mummy seems to speak highly of, and Daddy's friends with him, too. Have you ever seen the things he writes to Auntie Narcissa? He's almost nice to her! He doesn't really speak to me, though, and I'm glad of it. You know who really seems to hate him, though? Our cousin Draco. I bet that might surprise you.

You're right, people do change over time. When I look at the things I said and thought just a few years ago, I can hardly believe it. But just the same, I know how I feel right now, and I'm sure of that. I know Daddy's just trying to do the right thing but he won't change how I feel.

Thank you for saying that you trust me, it means an awful lot.

From,
Hydra

[alt_nymphadora]

Our family has a bit of everything in it, wouldn't you say? All the extremes and some in the middle. I think you and I might be some of the middle ones, actually. And Bea.

How is Justin managing with the Jugsons? It must have been a difficult decision he made not to go back to France. That's where his mother is, yes? Or is she somewhere else and he just went off to Beauxbatons? I expect they take people from all over Europe. Maybe from other places, too. I'm not sure. But it was France, wasn't it, for him?

My mother used to sing me songs in French. I think they had a French nanny or a tutor or something when she was small.

I hadn't thought of that in ages!

I'm sorry you have to spend time with Auror Grouch. You should come visit us whenever he's going to be visiting your mum. What does Cousin Draco have against him? That is surprising. I think Mr Malfoy has taken him up as a younger colleague same as your mother. From what I can tell. Maybe Draco feels he takes up too much of his father's attention?

I hope that if we change in time, you and I, it will only be to get better acquainted and closer connected. I hope all goes well for you and Justin. Let me know, will you?

We'll be in touch about the holidays, too. For certain.