Order Only - private message to Harry and Hermione

[alt_hydra]

I saw Draco in the prefect's car this morning, but he was busy with Daphne so we couldn't speak. Not that we could have really talked about what happened while riding the train, anyway, but I have no idea what's happened and I'm sure others are confused, as well. I only saw him say that he's quitting, and all his reasons why, and then there were a load of private messages between people.

It was thoughtless of Ron and the others not to tell anyone what they were doing, or what their challenge was to begin with. I didn't even know what Ron and Pansy's challenges were, I only knew that Draco and I hadn't received any. I told that to somebody when we were at Tea appreciation, only I don't remember who.

I can see why Draco was cross, but I was surprised that he decided to quit. He isn't quitting, is he?

Comments

[alt_hermione]

No, he's not quitting.

It took a little convincing to calm him down, though.

And he's still rather cross. Ron apologised but I think only because Mrs L told him he had to do it, and Draco barely acknowledged it (well, that's what he said, anyway, of course it was a PM so no one else would know). And Sally-Anne's being her usual self about it, trying to justify any part of the decision that could possibly mean she was wrong or irresponsible or reckless.

Hydra... do you feel like Draco does, that the Order would be happy to see you sacrifice yourself so long as the others stay safe? I mean, the Weasleys and the other ISS who aren't the children of Death Eaters. That was one of the things he was most upset about--that the Order adults have tried to kill his family members but he's expected to trust them and open up to them and all. Do you think that's how they feel, or is it just Draco?

[alt_hydra]

I think that the Order probably considers itself very, very lucky to have the Malfoy, Marvolo, and Lestrange children on their side. It must feel like a tremendous asset. The Longbottoms and Mrs Weasley would probably prefer that we die instead of their own children. I'm not saying that they wouldn't be sad, but it's probably only natural to want your own children to be safe before somebody else's.

I know that when Justin and I were caught by Montague, Sirius was more worried about Justin than me.

But if Ron and Justin were in danger, well, I'd be worried more about Justin. That doesn't mean I want bad things to happen to Ron, though.

So what I'm saying is that it's complicated. And it does feel like we're more on the outside, and that we're taking more risk, so it's lonely, too. Mrs Longbottom always tells us how much she appreciates what we're doing, and that she knows it isn't easy, but even with all that she says it doesn't change the fact that things are a little unfair. No one told me or Draco that we should try to be on the council, but you know they would be secretly disappointed if we didn't try for it. And no one told Ron or Pansy that they should try not to be on the council (well, not where I could read it, anyway), but you know that people would be disappointed if they decided that they wanted to be on the council, after all.

But everything's a little or a lot unfair for everyone, so I suppose I don't see the point in dwelling on it.

[alt_hermione]

Yes. I said something really similar to Draco, too. He asked how the Order would react if he decided not to join the Council. And I said they would be disappointed because it's such an important source of information but that they would also be relieved he had chosen not to put himself at that level of risk. And then he asked it the other way 'round, what would happen if Ron or Neville decided that they really did want to join the Council. And I said that they'd tell them that it was probably a poor plan--but not just because they'd be sentimental about it. But because strategically, Ron and Neville aren't really equipped to survive the Council. Not the way Draco is. Or you. It just wouldn't make loads of sense for them to do it, and it would be even riskier and more dangerous for one of them compared to you. But he just said he thought that the Order find him and you more 'expendable' than the others.

We talked about how much trouble he has trying to be friendly because he keeps thinking how much everyone in the Order hates his family, and his parents. You must feel the same way about that, too, but you don't show it nearly as much.

[alt_hydra]

I guess a better question might be to ask why Ron and Neville haven't been prepared to survive the council, or anything like that, because the council have been the "enemy" for a while, haven't they? So why haven't they been raised to face down and fight the enemy? Instead, maybe they've been raised to go un-noticed. I grew up always trying to go un-noticed, but my mother hated that, of course. So it's hard for me to imagine being raised differently, to keep my head down, and such.

Draco is only friendly when he's acting, or when he's truly, genuinely happy. And in between those times I think he's very angry.

Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hermione]

Yes, you're right. But why is he always so angry? I mean, is it because he was always the one punished whenever Harry did something wrong? I can see how that would make him resentful but you'd think it'd be of Harry.

I guess that's one reason--well, nevermind.

Re: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hydra]

That might be part of it. But I don't see how he can be resentful of Harry, Harry had no control over that arrangement. I mean... it was his parents who agreed to that.

Which - explains a lot, really. He can't bring himself to be angry at them, so he gets angry at other people instead.

You two didn't row, I hope?

Re: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hermione]

No, we didn't row. I--it was good that he was so distracted by being angry at Ron that he forgot to be angry at me, I think. So we were able to...move past things, a little bit. It's not perfect, you know. I don't know if we'll ever be exactly right. But I think it meant he would listen, you know, when anyone else he probably would have just screamed at them and gotten sullen and slammed all his mental doors.

I do think he feels very guilty for still caring about his parents. But he does get angry with them. He's really, really angry that his father's been sleeping with Auror Lamont, for example.

Re: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hermione]

Oh, and I don't mean that I'm glad he was angry at Ron, or that Ron didn't tell him about what he did to Patil.

I just meant...well, it made making peace with him a little easier.

Re: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_hydra]

Yes, I know just what you mean.

I'm glad you didn't row and are speaking to each other. I do think he needs a friend like you, but you know, do you need him? Maybe if he can move past his feelings for you, you'll be real friends.

[alt_harry]

Yeah. I'm glad he changed his mind.

[alt_hydra]

What would you have done if he'd left?

[alt_harry]

I guess I would've talked to him about what he thought he should do next. What we should both do.

And then I would've told the Order what we thought should happen, and ask for their help in doing it.

[alt_harry]

I wouldn't have quit the Order.

But I'm never quitting him. So.