Order Only Private message to Justin

[alt_hydra]

There is something I want to say to you.

What you wrote to me about being like my mother is the worst thing you've ever done to me, and made me feel more terrible than anything my mother has inflicted in a good long while.

However my feelings and reactions may seem foreign and alien to all of you, I do have them. Everyone wants me to behave and respond to things in a certain way, and as far as I can see, it's a way that's meant to make them feel better - not me. They want to feel relief. They want to be unburdened from their sense of helplessness. And most of the time I'm happy to lie and tell them that everything's just fine, so that they can be free of that burden. But sometimes things aren't just fine, and I can't bring myself to lie.

That's the hardest thing about all of this, knowing that you want me to be different from how I am. And I thought you were the one person who accepted me, completely.

I know that you're upset. As soon as I realised what had happened, I knew you would be, and I was sorry that you were going to be feeling pain over it.

I'm sorry that my reaction wasn't the same as yours, Justin, but you need to know that my reaction wasn't about you.

Comments

[alt_hydra]

I am not going to become my mother.

I don't know what to write. I'm now afraid to say anything for fear that you'll take it in the worst possible way.

[alt_justin]

No, of course you're not.

Let's stop writing. Can you meet me this evening? Will you? I shall spell-o-tape my mouth shut if that will help. But I promise I shall listen, if that's what you want, or sit together and do nothing--whatever you desire. If you're not ready, I understand that, too. I shall wait.

As ever, yours,

-J

[alt_hydra]

Crouch is coming right after supper. He'll keep me until 10, I expect.


And - I love you too. But things still feel all wrong. I don't know.

I'll stop writing.