alt_hydra / Order Only - Private message to Hermione

I've just seen Draco. He's going to bring Jack over to Justin... Well, that's not why I saw him, we've just had supper at Nanella's. It's really more duty than celebration, and no one lingers for long after the table is cleared.

I - I'm not sure how to say this, because for all I know, you may not want to talk to anyone at all. Thats for you to decide. But then again, you can't know who to talk to unless someone makes it clear that they're willing to listen. And thats what you did for me, after Justin and I broke up. Which seems so long ago and yet like it just happened, and I still don't know what I can say about it. What is there to say? We've made our decision and that's the end of it. But even though I didn't feel like talking, I appreciated it when you said that you'd listen, if I needed someone.

The thing is, Draco has been occluding around me for ages. I could feel it, at first, but now he's gotten better and I couldn't really tell, but I assumed that he was. For practice. I had no idea he was actually hiding something.

And today, even though he didn't really ask me to do anything, as soon as we were alone at St. James to get Jack, I could feel him drawing me in, intentionally, so I looked. And I saw.

If I was surprised, well, I can only imagine how you must have felt.

He didn't want to talk about it, but he thought you might need someone. He might be right, he might be wrong. I don't know. But here I am, if you do.

Flat / Top-Level Comments Only

- Posted by

alt_hermione

Why are you giving your cat to Justin? Did he ask for him?

None of my business I suppose.

I'm not sure what Draco showed you but--well, that's really annoying of him. Sorry. It's not your fault he's being so frustrating. Ironic, that's what he said I was, which is one reason I think he's just mistaken and he'll realise it sooner or later. There are other reasons. But it doesn't really matter whether I think he's fooling himself or not, because so long as he thinks it's true it's not going to help any to tell him he's wrong.

Anyway, it's annoying because I promised him I wouldn't talk to anyone about it--that I would keep his little guilty secret for him--and that meant really there wasn't anyone to talk to. Only it turns out at least one other person had figured it out and offered to talk about it and now he's gone and let you into the circle. So he's still deciding what I get to do about his revelation.

He offered to Obliviate me, too. Like that would help anything. It's just.... I don't know how to help him see that he's just wishing for what he can't have and not really as interested in me as he is in an accessible muggleborn who happens to not find him charming or arresting.

Maybe I should act like Pansy and just fawn all over him, and then he'll stop.

- Posted by

alt_hydra

No, I asked if he would take Jack, because my little brother's got his eye on him. Rigel has this magic - well, it's a bit spooky. He can make people, and creatures, I suppose, want to make him happy. That's the best way I can describe it. A while back he decided he wanted my rabbit, Tevis, and now Tevis won't leave his side. I don't want the same thing to happen with Jack.

You sound angry. That's alright. I feel that way often, especially lately. Do you think it's just him that you're angry at? Or about?

What he showed me was only from his point of view, of course. He didn't plan on telling you, though he's actually been wishing he could for ages (I don't think he even realises that, though), only he couldn't let you leave feeling hurt... so it came out. And now, I think he's worried that he should have let you walk away feeling hurt, because it might have been better than whatever it is you're feeling now.

As to whether his feelings are genuine or not, it's hard to say. He wouldn't let me in that far. But I had an impression that they were taking up a great deal of space. If his head were a house, your picture would be hanging in almost every room.

- Posted by

alt_hermione

Well, I was angry when I thought he was mocking me. But I think that's not what it is, it's that he's decided I'm something I'm not.

Terry's the same way, you know. He thinks I'm perfect and it's just not true, but it's different with him because he didn't have anything really for comparison for a long time. Not that Draco thinks I'm perfect. Far from it. You should have heard him. It was all 'It's barking to fancy you' and 'I wish I didn't' and 'Pretend you don't know'--like it's so inconceivable that he can't even understand why he'd feel that way. And of course it's because he doesn't.

I mean...there are stories all the time about wizards--or witches, too--who go and have sex with muggles or muggleborns because they enjoy the feeling of power over them. And it's not that I think that's what Draco wants--that's what Ollivander wanted--but it just goes to show that even Draco isn't seeing me. Because if he did....

Well. He wouldn't want me, then.

So sooner or later he has to realise that.

Are you angry all the time? I mean, I think you've got every right to be angry. It seems like the grownups don't understand how hard it has to be for you and Justin. I mean, when I think of people who love each other, I think about you two. Or Mr and Mrs Longbottom. Or the way Mr and Mrs Weasley were, before he died. I know you didn't really know him but they were completely enamoured of each other even after seven children and I dunno, 30 years together. Or even Sirius and Remus, though that's a bit different because they're both men so they take the piss a lot more than other couples. But I can't really imagine them not with each other, any of them, you know, and that's just--not what I think about when I imagine Draco and me. I mean, I've never really imagined it. But that's not what I think about when I think about myself, with anyone, I mean.

I don't know, it's all hopelessly complicated.

- Posted by

alt_hydra

Maybe he thinks it's barking to fancy you because it puts both of you - though admittedly you, most of all - in such a terrible position. Because I'm fairly sure no one's ever said "Oh, I can't believe I fancy this person who I can't fathom fancying!" unless they'd been confounded or taken a bad love potion.

Perhaps those stories about witches and wizards using muggleborns for sex, the way Demelza Robins might want to, is another reason why he wishes he didn't have feelings for you, because he doesn't want those feelings to have that taint to them.

I don't know if we ever can be fully, 100% seen by another person. Maybe not even with legilimency. Because we're changing all the time, and we don't really understand ourselves sometimes, either. But Draco's had a long time to figure out what he feels, I think. Four hundred something days? I kept seeing that number. Anyway, I used to think that no one would want me, either. Because my own Mother didn't. And then I found Tom and I thought, oh, here's someone who likes me and needs me, and it was all a horrible lie of the worst kind.

But then there was Justin. That didn't mean it was easy, because it's hard to let someone like you, or love you. You have to decide that you're worthy of it.

I suppose that's why I'm so angry. Because someone ~~loves~~ loved me and I loved him, but someone else decided what we could and couldn't have. It's a small thing, really, compared to what some people don't get to have.

What do you think about when you picture yourself with someone? I've always thought that Terry might have imagined himself with you because you were the only girl he knew who was muggleborn, like him, and lived at Hogwarts, like him, and so on. But for whatever reason, Draco must have started to see you as the one he wanted to be with - but he couldn't see a way for it to be reality, or for it to be fair on your end, maybe. And now he's flailing about being annoying.

- Posted by

alt_hermione

Yes, he said it wasn't fair to me. And it's good that he recognises that but you see, I think that's partly why he's so focused on the idea. I think he just doesn't have any context for caring about a mudblood, so he's confused it with love.

I know it wasn't easy for you to--to adjust to the revelation that Justin was muggleborn, but at least you already cared about him before you knew it. I wasn't sure whether you'd feel betrayed or not but I worried you might. But it gave you concrete proof that you could love someone no matter their birthright. But Draco doesn't have that. He just has the notion that because he finds me clever or good at magic or retentive, or whatever, that it must mean I'm special. And I'm not.

And that's not thinking I'm not worthy of Draco, by the way. That's recognising that what he's reacting to is someone who's not going to back down to him, who isn't impressed with his pedigree or his marks or his looks or anything else. But the problem is that if I turned round and told him I loved him back, he'd lose interest because I wouldn't represent a goal anymore.

And then there's the other part of the problem, which is that I don't love him back. I like him, more than I ever thought possible sometimes, but mostly he's petulant and nasty and entitled. He's brave, though he doesn't want anyone to point that out, and he's clever, but--No. I can't imagine snogging him, or anything.

What I think about.... I don't know. I think I haven't yet met anyone I could imagine being with. Everyone in school is so young but the men in the Order are either way too old or they're already involved with someone. Or both. Or not quite right, somehow. Or--all those things.

And Terry.... You know he tried to kiss me once? On the cheek, to say goodbye. That's how we found out that Mr Weasley had put a cantrip on me to protect me from someone like Ollivander making advances. (Which was awful of him but now I understand why.) Terry's been 'in love with me' for a while. I just don't know how to tell him that I love him but not that way. I think if I'd realised that's how Draco felt, I could have just changed slightly how I treat him, like I have with Terry, just to close the door a little more kindly.

- Posted by

alt_hydra

Now I'm wondering what would have happened if Justin had been Harry's slave. Would I have still fallen for him, and he for me? Or would it have just been too complicated to even comprehend...

So you think Draco only likes you because you're the one person he could never have - not just because you're muggleborn, but also because you don't coddle him or flatter him.

That might be part of why he likes you. He has more respect for Mr Snape than I've seen for almost anyone else, and it's because Mr Snape always tells him the truth, even if it's a difficult truth. That may be part of why he likes you but I don't think that's all of it.

As for closing the door, isn't it already closed?

And I didn't mean to imply that you don't see yourself as worthy of love. I was thinking of Draco, actually.

- Posted by

alt_hermione

I don't know, I can't imagine Justin as a slave at all. There's just something that happens when you grow up in service. And depending on who he'd served he'd be more like Dennis was, or Terry, before the ISS, I mean, or--I don't know. Some of the ones in the camps. Worse than that, he could have been like John Turner and gone hot-headed and then he'd probably have been killed. But if he'd been here at Hogwarts or something, I don't think he'd have dared look at you and I don't think you'd have ever noticed him, either.

Mr Snape doesn't pull his jinxes, it's true. And Draco doesn't care for some people in the Order who always try to coat things in treacle and yes, I'm sure that's why he started looking at me as more than a mudblood. I'm not saying he only sees a mudblood. Though while we're on the topic, I don't think he sees muggleborns, plural, yet, I think he sees me and Justin and even Terry as examples of mudbloods who've risen above our circumstances.

And yes, it's closed. But I could have closed it for him without embarrassing him first, is all.

Oh, by the way, I went and looked back around the 400 days because that struck me as odd. I think I know what it was. It was just about that long ago that I touched his hand, remember? The day he was trying that spell on the colocation boxes? And he jerked away and I thought it was because he was disgusted. Just like the other night, when I touched him and he went all over stiff and I thought he liked me well enough as long as I didn't take any liberties like that. Only that time I was touching him because he was admitting he had been a prat.

So maybe you're right and he has a problem with anyone being tender to him? But that's also a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it. Because if I did care about him the same way, then sooner or later we'd try snogging and he wouldn't be able to go through with it because of his own problems.

- Posted by

alt_hydra

Yes, I suppose you're right. About Justin, I mean. What an odd thing to ponder, though.

That's interesting, about the 400 some days ago. I had forgotten that you asked me about his jerking away from you. You were showing him how to do the wand movement, weren't you? I suppose it must have been around then that he started to think of you differently.

This isn't legilimency, just a guess, but maybe he thinks he needs to do something deserving of tenderness before he can allow himself to have it. He's so fanatical about infiltrating the council and acts as if he wants to be the one to kill Voldemort with his own two hands. Voldemort didn't even do that much to him, comparatively speaking, but Draco acts as if he did. Do you reckon maybe Draco thinks he would have been a different person if Voldemort had never risen to power? That he would have started out seeing muggleborns as no different, for starters.

But if you don't feel that way about him, and he knows it already, then what happens next? Do you think you can go back to being friends, or whatever it is you were?

By the way, if I had known that Justin was a secret muggleborn when he was showing interest in me, I probably would have assumed he was just getting close to me because it would be a secret thrill to sully the daughter of Auror Lestrange; a goal, as you might say. Which wasn't at all true, of course, but that probably would have been my assumption.

- Posted by

alt_hermione

It might not have been something you noticed because he didn't seem different from any of the other students when they came over, but the thing was, when he first joined the ISS, Justin was really apologetic to me and Terry because he was getting the education we should have been able to get. But it was never anything I resented, anyway, and I don't think Terry, either, because it was actually harder to think of him as a muggleborn than as a pureblood. Well, except for when he didn't know things but mostly he did a good job covering that up and most people figured it was because he was raised in France.

I can see how you'd have thought he was deliberately seeking you out because he wanted to twist your mother's nose but of course, that would have been completely unlike him.

It's funny how he says he resisted fancying you for a long time, when that's just what Draco said. Only somehow it wasn't a compliment when Draco said it. (Honestly he really doesn't know how to talk to a witch, except when he's pretending to flirt with Daphne or something. Did you know that his and Harry's first year he had a crush on Lavender Brown? I mean, really, Lavender Brown.)

Anyway, I do think he thinks he has to prove himself but I think it's because he's sure the Order don't really trust him and they're just waiting for him to go tell his father all about us. But mostly I think that's because he's so closed off about everything and apart from Mr Snape, he hasn't really given the adults a chance to get to know him, so all they have is his reputation. And his sarcasm.

I don't know if we really were friends. I don't know what I'd call our relationship before all this. But I would like it if we could at least go back to being comfortable with each other. I don't want him to hate me or to pine for me or to think I'm flirting when I don't hate him and I'm not trying to make him interested or anything.

I'm just not sure how to get there, except to give him time to get over it.

- Posted by

alt_hydra

No, I don't know if I ever saw Justin be apologetic to you and Terry, but I know that he was. We talked about it later, but just knowing him, I could guess that's how he would be.

It's funny that Draco's so committed when I'm just going along with the council challenge, and my Mother's tutelage, because I don't know what else to do. Because the only other option would be to run away to Moddey, or something. And the Order would lose a lot if I did that.

I guess giving him time is all you can do, then. Do you want me to tell him anything? To leave you alone for a while?

- Posted by

alt_hermione

Maybe.... Tell him I'm not cross, or upset, or anything, and if he wants to talk to me it's all right, and if he doesn't for a while, that's all right, too.